he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
