and my herpes radar will keep us safe
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
