I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
