I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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