No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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