He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
