now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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