The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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