I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
