I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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