I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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