What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
