i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
