Already got asked if we're dating
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
