Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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