going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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