I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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