He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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