I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
