I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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