onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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