I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
