this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
