I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
