I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
