Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
