You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
