Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
