I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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