Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
