I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
