i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
