They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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