That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
