My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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