Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
