just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
