Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
