2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
