and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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