3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
