theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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