You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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