explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
