my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
