I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
