Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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