I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Success! We fucked roommates!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
