He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
