Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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