From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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