cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
