I didn't shave. On purpose
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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